Indeed the dog days are over as my contract of slavery has finally been abolished, I decided it would be quite fitting to celebrate with a bit of Florence + The Machine courtesy of head office and someone’s favourite.
Even though she wasn’t in the day I handed in my notice, I figured she would definitely know by now.. to be honest the empty champagne bottles seeping out of the trash as I walked through the back door kind of gave it away.
Walked in to meet her in quite a chipper mood “good morning” she smirked… I replied unwillingly and went to the staff room feeling bad that I wasn’t going to be there over Christmas so I could buy her an Imac shaving kit for secret santa.. Seriously the stubble is getting out of hand now.
Later on I get called into the office to sign the “leavers form”; what an extremely awkward conversation it was! There she was trembling with joy as she pulled out the forms and splattered them in front of me. I cant believe this, my final days with the company and her patronising ways would not be laid to rest as she carried on prodding me with indirect insults.. “yer, I think it would be better for you” “yer, you do need a fresh start” *SIGH* how she hates me so. I just looked on at her wanting to walk out, I channeled that energy into building amusing scenarios in my head; one where she was telling me what she really wanted to say: “Infact take your shit and get out, have it as a holiday… on me”
I hate small talk, noone asked her to talk- I just wanted to fill the damn thing out and leave. She turned CIA and started asking me stupid questions about where I’m going (she already knew), the benefits etc.. I never answered so she stopped talking…thank God.
Whizzing her way down the form she started to sweat, guess the combination of her excitement and the awkward silence drove her slightly nutty. Oh but wait she broke the ice with “it’s so nice working for a luxury brand”… “hmmm” I replied. I could tell she was now quite nervous as she fiddled frantically with her top from Chavs-R-Us Watfords Finest.
We finally got down to the last part of the form after a mind-numbing total of 5 minutes in the same space and damn I have never seen anyone write to fast, veins in her fingers you name it. The way she signed at the bottom and slid the papers across the table- at that moment I knew that she was very capable of….giving the best hand jobs.
I left the office after what felt like at least a few weeks of my life gone past and as I came on the shop floor, Florence + The Machine “Dog days are over” found its way into the stereo.. quite fitting and gut-wrenchingly cheesy! Anyway, I was convinced that I was destined to die here but I guess not… for now its good bye old job hello new one!